


You Said You'd Grow Old With Me

by storm_dog_pirate



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm so sorry omg, it really hurt writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:47:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22402816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_dog_pirate/pseuds/storm_dog_pirate
Summary: He had to trust her to get through this. He had to.She had to get through this.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	You Said You'd Grow Old With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on the song of the same words by Michael Schulte.

_No. No, please, not her—_

Nikolai ran through the halls of the small infirmary of the town he was in, trying to ignore the deafening voices inside his head that were slowly invading his mind.

It was supposed to be a peaceful meeting with the Shu ambassador near the Ravka-Shu Han border. The talk was about another brewing war between the two countries, barely a year after the one with the Fjerdans, when a group of Shu delegates was murdered in cold blood in Ravkan soil.

A disturbance had been reported by the border once they set foot on the town in Caryeva, and Zoya immediately took the initiative to check on it, together with the twins, while Nikolai—guarded by Nina—talked to the ambassador.

Not even a few hours into the meeting one of the townspeople had barged in the inn Nikolai and the ambassador were at, babbling about the queen being brought to the infirmary downtown and that it was Ravkans that caused the disturbance in the border.

Now, Nikolai found himself in the infirmary downtown. He rounded the corner and was able to see two figures near the doors of the room by the end of the hall. As he neared, he recognized them to be Tolya and Tamar, and they looked so _lost_.

Tamar was the first to perk up to the sound of Nikolai’s hurried steps as he neared them, and she immediately pushed herself from the wall to meet him. “Nikolai,” she said, almost brokenly, before she wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

Nikolai looked past her shoulder and eyed Tolya who stood up from being seated on the floor, his expression looking defeated. The blood on the other man’s hands and undershirt didn’t go unnoticed by Nikolai, and his eyes stung as he tried not to think that it was _her_ blood.

Words seemed to leave Nikolai’s mind as he struggled to speak, not trusting himself to avoid breaking down there, not when she’s still struggling for her life behind those doors.

He had to trust her to get through this. He had to.

_She_ had to get through this.

“We were outnumbered,” Tolya was saying, but Nikolai barely heard it amidst the roars of voices in his mind. “They were Ravkans, a group of rebels against the abolishing of the monarchy—"

Tolya was interrupted by the sound of the doors opening and a Healer stepped out. Tamar pulled away from Nikolai and turned to the Corporalki’s direction.

He walked towards them, his expression unreadable, and stopped when he was only a few feet away. “I’m so sorry, Your Highness. I did everything I could. But her lungs had succumbed to the damage of the sword made when it came through her.” A short pause. “She didn’t make it.”

Everything seemed to stop, and Nikolai could still see the Healer’s mouth moving as he continued to speak, but the words were drowned out by everything. Beside him, he could feel Tamar putting a hand on his shoulder.

He didn’t know if it was the light from the hall that made everything blurry, or if there was just something wrong with his vision, and his hand seemed to have extended involuntarily.

There was something cold placed in his hand, and he slowly looked down through his blurry vision to see a silver ring at the center of his palm.

_No—_

A tear fell from his eye as he continued to stare at the object on his hand.

_No, please—_

Nikolai felt an arm around him, and he didn’t feel anything after, not even when his knees hit the floor.

_Not her, why her, why her—_

The arm around him tightened, and Nikolai felt his throat constrict in pain— _had he been shouting?_

He didn’t know.

_He didn’t know._

He found strength to move a little later, removing the arm wrapped around him and slowly walking—dragging—towards to what he could make out as the doors to the room where she was in.

Nikolai pushed the doors open, and stopped abruptly on the threshold.

At the center of the area was a lone stretcher, and he felt a vice-like grip in his heart as Nikolai struggled to even out his breathing.

The walk towards her never felt so far before.

Each step seemed to be heavier than the ones before it, and Nikolai had to will all of what was left of his strength to reach her cot.

He didn’t even reach her completely and he was nearly falling down again, but he managed to keep himself upright until he stopped beside her.

If one were to look at her, it would look like that she was just sleeping peacefully. Free from any pain and suffering from the war, free from the war itself.

_The war that took her—_

Nikolai blinked back the blurriness from his vision, his mind still holding on to the hopeless thought that she was just sleeping. That she just resting after the grueling healing she had just undergone.

But when he lifted a shaking hand to touch hers, the same hand that he had held when he slipped the ring onto her finger, he knew it was impossible.

He let out a choked sob, moving his hand from hers to touch her face, and stopped.

His hand started shaking violently, and he _still_ —

He still didn’t have the heart to believe she was gone.

_Zoya, please—_

Nikolai sobbed as he caressed her cheek with his thumb, and he tried not to think how _cold_ she felt.

Tried not to think of her last words to him before they went to their separate ways earlier—

_“Don’t hurt yourself.”_

_Nikolai scoffed, feigning a hurtful look on his face with a hand to his chest. “I’ll just have a little chat with our great friend from Shu. You doubt me?”_

_“Sometimes.” Nikolai frowned at her, and Zoya let out a laugh—a rare sound that he had always loved to hear. It had been their banter for_ years _, and probably the rest of their lives. “I’ll see you later, Lanstov.”_

The sobs continued to rack his chest as he pressed his forehead to hers, his breath coming out in short bursts.

This would be the last time he’d be able to be close to her, to hold her hand, to caress her perfect face.

_I’d never see your smile again, nor your eyes—_

_I couldn’t—I’m so, so sorry—_

It was excruciating, and he hoped that he could just end the pain, end his suffering. The voices inside his head grew louder until he couldn’t bear it anymore—

_Breathe, Nikolai._

Her words echoed in his head—the same words she always murmured to him whenever he had his panic attacks and nightmares.

It was just ironic that he wouldn’t be able to hear it anymore. Zoya was his pillar. His anchor in the world whenever he was threatened to succumb to the depths of the darkness.

Nikolai opened his mouth to speak, but all he could draw was a shaky breath. He knew he had to say something— _anything_.

Even though she couldn’t hear him anymore.

“Hey, love,” he managed to say through his hoarse voice. He pulled away a little, looking at her peaceful face, trying to memorize her features in the depths of his mind and etch it in his heart. “You told me you’d see me later, right?” He paused, drawing in a breath. “Why didn’t you?”

“You’ve done so much, been through so much. You can rest well now.” Nikolai reach down to her left hand and slipped back the ring to her finger, another wave of white-hot pain hitting him when he remembered doing it some time ago. “Go see your aunt. Be free of the pain. You deserve it.”

Nikolai held her hand tightly, bringing it up between their faces and pressing a lingering kiss on to her knuckles. A few tears slipped to her hand, and he pulled away reluctantly. “I—” He drew in a breath, but another sob hindered it and he ended up choking on his words. “I’ll see you again in another life. We always find each other.”

He looked at her one last time before she disappeared forever, before she would just become another casualty from the war, before she would be lowered to the down ground, and he’d have to bear everything without her keeping him steady on his feet.

“I love you so much, General.” Nikolai pressed a long kiss to her forehead, closing his eyes and feeling tears run down from his face endlessly. It would never be the same without her again.

The world had never felt so cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me for this. :<


End file.
